A Facebook Acquaintance posted a completely fake conversation as a status update, à la #BowWowChallenge. This is what he should have written instead.

He’s doing the thing where he’s the aspirational pastor of the Capitalists’ Gospel according to the American Dream in the age of the Millenial Hustle.

* * *

FRIEND: I’m not sure why you’re meeting with your own subcontractors. Don’t you think putting hours into your chosen means of income is beneath you? I mean, you’re a really smart guy from a pedigreed background and the mere fact that you exist should mean that you never have to worry yourself with the due diligence owed to ensuring your stream of income never dries up?

FA: Despite the fact that I lived an uppper-middle-class existence growing up in the rough hinterlands of West Houston, I tell myself that I come from nothing. But more than deluding myself that I come from nothing, I make sure that everyone knows how I’m Horatio Alger-ing the fuck out of my hustle. So, no matter how complex or mediocre a task may seem, it’s not beneath me. And I make sure I spew this aspirational petite bourgeoisie pabulum both online and offline so my friends know exactly how humble I could be. I may not humble, but I don’t have to be if I am always popping bottles.

FRIEND: I mean, you should be focusing on more complex problems. You’re such an intelligent gentleman with a preternatural penchant for charming friends and strangers alike to buy what you’re selling. Your brain is such a finely tuned machine that it should be solely responsible for the most intellectually rigorous cogs in the gears of your entrepreneurial venture. Anything less, and you’re belittling yourself to work of the plebeians. And that’s not a narrative you want to believe about you because classicism is more viscerally acceptable than the authenticity of a job’s tedium.

FA: Did you know that Jesus didn’t build his Christian Church in one day? He learned the healing hustle early on. But did Jesus charge for healing the sick and the poor? No. Because Jesus was smart. Jesus was the son of God, and The Light of the World knew each healing was an investment in the future of Christianity. I mean, look around. Almost everyone is a Christian now. Jesus was all about making those Benjamins. But those Benjamins were really the spiritual wealth contained within the Word of God.

FRIEND: I didn’t know that.

FA: Let me put it into perspective. His first job was building beds and cabinets and houses. The first task he had to do was make sure those lumber guys were giving him the right type of wood. Do you think that anyone would’ve let them near their infirmed great-grandfather if Jesus had been delivering badly built pieces all over Nazareth? No. He knew everything he touched had to turn to gold, so He could be the cornerstone on which the St. Peter’s Rock could be founded.

So yeah, that’s why I meet my subcontractors at the properties I’m trying to flip.

I do things. Huge nerd otherwise. Interested in all types of media & creative-ish forms of expressions. Rawr!!

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